Sonic the Hedgehog (Next Gen)

lyon kontis — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:10:22 +0000

Oh lordy, where on earth do I start with this review? Okay, SEGA, there was once a time when your games gave hope to the people, and the thought of a new Sonic game would make all Sega console owners jump with glee, but those days have long since passed. Your legacy died along with the Dreamcast, and so did Sonic, so please, I beg of you, stop reanimating the corpse of this legendary hedgehog and put Sonic’s tortured soul to rest.

Normally I’d give a rundown of the plot here, but that wouldn’t do this incarnation of Sonic justice. To really get the idea of how this game plays out, you have the see the intro movie for yourself.

Wait a minute, is this a Sonic game or a new Final Fantasy? After all of the stunning visuals and drama, a big-headed cartoon hedgehog pops out of nowhere to destroy half-a-dozen cyborgs and save the princess. Well, if it was going to be new Final Fantasy, it looked pretty good up until Sonic arrived. Putting Sonic in such a realistic setting like this is like sticking Mario in Lord of the Rings and expecting it to be the new Super Mario World. Also, who the hell is this new Silver character? I already don’t understand the purpose of half of the newer Sonic characters like the alligator or the stupid blue cat thing, but must there be a new addition every game?

Anyway, after the stunning/unintentionally hilarious intro movie you start out in what appears the be the surprisingly unscathed market side of the town that just got showered by Eggman’s bombs. Tails suggests that you find information on where Eggman’s battleship fled to, because apparently a giant floating war-machine is that hard to keep track of when you’re the fastest hedgehog in existence. During this part of the game, you actually roam around town talking to people, although most have nothing interesting to say. Eventually you find out in order to move on, you need to buy an ability from one of the shops, but first you need some money (gil?). A shoemaker next to the shop will offer to lend some money if you can test out his new shoes for him, at least that’s what he wants you to think. In reality, this is a test of patience, because you have to sit through 4-5 loading screens in the time that it takes you to accept his challenge, learn the rules of the challenge, do the challenge itself, be congratulated, the be taken back to the main game. Each and every one of those actions, half of which was just two lines of dialogue, was preceded by a 20 second loading screen, and I was playing the PS3 version; simply unacceptable. It. Would. Be. Like. Putting. A. Period. After. Every. Fucking. Thing. I. Said. All. Of. The. Fucking. Time.

Anyway, you complete his challenge and you buy the ability. What do you need this ability for, you ask? Why, to follow a line of rings across a 20 foot long gap that you couldn’t jump before even though once you get into the actual meat of the game Sonic easily leaps between walls and pillars at least 100 feet away from eachother. Once you’ve traversed this daunting obstacle, you find a gateway to the first real “world”, which is beach of some sort, overrun by Eggman’s death-bots. Remember those awesome moves sonic pulled off in the intro movie? Too bad you’ll never get to use them, because the only attack you have is a jumping roll that attacks all nearby enemies as long as you keep mashing the jump button. How about any of the old Sonic, fastpaced goodness, is that still intact at least? Well, yes, and no. You’ll still be zipping through curiously placed loops and tracks, but when you do this, control is taken out of your hands so you’re pretty much just along for the ride. Sometimes events occur while you’re speeding about, but those usually involve more button mashing.

‘Twilight’ and ‘Death Magnetic’

Voltage — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:32:06 +0000

Among other things, we have two forms of media magnetic attraction: The endearing label of disgust for tasteless, emotionless kawaii teenage girls with about as much pep as four cans of Amp stuck into a 5-hour energy drink, meant to be a serious, bullshit vampire love story, and we have a shitty album by a once considered amazing metal band, Metallica.

When you can live forever, what do you live for? Oh, sure as hell not this piece of fucking trash.

Don’t get me wrong, it SEEMS like it’d be an interesting movie if it wasn’t such a load of crock. It’s got a lot of neo-teeny boppy bullshit that can be emotionally moving to an elephant with OCD. What kind of fucking idiot likes these ‘artistic’ movies? If you want an artistic movie with meaning, watch the last half of ‘300,’ or maybe even go so far to critically analyze ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ for references of Communist behavior. They’ve got actual feeling to them.

Something amiss in Twilight is the ability to captivate its watcher with an emotional revelation that is relevant to the movie, and give a motive or moral at the end of the story.

I suppose every 13 year old girl gives relationships a tasteless bound for glory after dumping a guy she has dated for 3 days; it’s pretty usual. Oh, and the fact it’s a “different kind of guy who just so happens to be a vampire,” I guess that makes all the more worthwhile difference.

FUCK TWILIGHT.

By the way, I haven’t even watched Twilight. The heavy commercialism and almost pathetic commercials I’ve watched on television and Myspace was almost enough to make me throw up my lunch.

Part two: Death Magnetic! And why it SUCKS!

You may completely disagree with me, and I assure you, I do mean wholeheartedly what I’m gonna say. No, this isn’t fucking “Twilight” wholeheartedly, which means that the message actually has meaning.

‘Kay. This picture looks really fucking stupid, for one. It just looks like a hair, dead vagina in the shape of a casket, lining the border of ‘purgatory’ and ‘vomit’. This being said, the album art for a few previously shitty albums wasn’t as bad…

Ah yes, St. Anger, possibly the worst Metallica album. Ever. Don’t get me wrong – St. Anger, the song itself, is a good song. The radio edit sucks balls since ‘fuck’ really shouldn’t be censored, but it’s definitely got a good song. What does Death Magnetic have? THE DAY THAT NEEVVVvvVAaAaHhRRr COOOMmMMmmMeSssSAHHh. Okay, no, it’s just all in CAPITALS or it’s in lower case. The pitch added sounds really stupid.

Take one song for instance – Hammerhead by The Offspring, a totally different genre, and compare the unnecessary pitch change in the random part of Hammerhead to Day That Never Comes – The Offsprings’ stupid pitch change is actually sort of cool, but James Hetfield stopped learning how to fucking sing like a Metal musician and now the pitch is shitty and sucks.

That being said, Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo aren’t bad at all on this album… but, honestly Hetfield:

STOP SINGING FOR ALBUMS OR GET THE KID FROM CROOKED X TO SING.
LARS, YOUR DRUMMING IS TOO SHOW OFFY. LET’S GO BACK TO HEARING FUZZY DRUMMING AND SHIT.
THE ALBUM IS TOO FUCKING CLEAR, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
DON’T SUE PEOPLE, unless Metallica stopped doing that shit.
Finally, if it wasn’t for the drums and Hetfield’s voice, “The Day That Never Comes” would of been the new “One.”

That sums it up. That’s like a video review, only written down, because I hate shit.

See ya.

.:.The Resisty.:. » Rants n’ Fucking Rants

Sonic the Hedgehog (Next Gen)

‘Twilight’ and ‘Death Magnetic’

When you can live forever, what do you live for? Oh, sure as hell not this piece of fucking trash.

FUCK TWILIGHT.